WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDSPREAD?

My Secret or “What Color is Your Bedspread?”

Somebody asked me today - when I was talking about my happy marriage of 35 years – what was my secret?  They were kind of kidding but it occurred to me to write down and share one secret and a story.

About 50 years ago I was looking for work that would be truly fulfilling. For many months I worked assiduously with the book, “What Color is Your Parachute?” I remember the time and place when I realized – after months of doing all the exercises in the book – “I guess I’ll be a massage therapist!” That was on a train and it was 1977.

Well that worked out great!

Then about ten years after that I was looking for true and lasting love.  it occurred to me that I could use some of the “What Color” exercises also to unearth what would work for me regarding love.

The key exercise was one where you made three columns:

1.      List in one column all the aspects and qualities of jobs you’ve had that you’d enjoyed. 

2.     Then list in the next column all the aspects and qualities that haven’t worked out in past jobs and that you didn’t want in the future.

3.     Then in the third column, look at the list in the second column of what hadn’t worked in the past and in this new column write down the opposite of those undesired things.

So in the first column of this search for true and lasting love, I listed all the qualities that had been satisfying, attractive and worked well in past relationships. in the second all the things that hadn’t worked well. And in the third, the opposites of the didn’t work well column.

Then I did a list drawn from columns one and three - and prioritized it in terms of what seemed most essential. I also listed a few “optional” aspects - one of those was this person’s interest, knowledge and talent in visual art - which is something I admire but don’t have.

So one thing I especially noticed in the second column I did not want to repeat is I’d had a number of partners who were quick to anger, particularly at me. So I wrote down as its opposite – “fundamentally kind.”  That surprised me because I had never looked specifically for kindness in my relationships!!  So I started looking for kindness as super-important.

A few years later I met Julie Harper. She embodied all the most important things to me. And. importantly she was truly kind and that knocked me out!  Plus she was knowledgeable about visual arts! We were at a museum and she shared with me some remarks about ancient art in Greece. and Rome. I felt oh my god this is someone I can learn from. My knees got weak.
I had to sit down.

And the rest is history – since 1986.

So take that little secret to heart and I truly do recommend that exercise – part of my forthcoming book – “What Color is Your Bedspread?”

Just kidding…but not about the exercise.  If you are in a place where it might be helpful, try it!

David and Julie Lauterstein - 35 lovely years!